Booted from the Fellowship … said to be a homosexual ... Pastor's response is wanting

A criticism I and many others have had over the years of the church or some sections of it in treating persons who are discovered to be same gender loving and booted from their pews has made the Tell me pastor column, however Pastor Dumas's response as a psychologist to me is wanting of what the man ought to do given the circumstances outlined by the supposed letter writer, what was also indicated was that the letter writer went to Jamaica AIDS Support for LIFE, this particular story rings similar to a February 2010 Star News story where a deacon was allegedly recorded by church persons in a seventh day denomination making advances to a boy. He was reprimanded for it and told to sit at the rear of the church.  Paedophilia however is not homosexuality although there is same sex paedophilia around but perpetrators may not be necessarily gay. Obviously the religious community does not know how to handle the same gender sex issues that present themselves from time to time whether by consent or duress. 

Have a read of the letter though and see:

Booted from the Fellowship … said to be a homosexual

Dear Pastor,

I am a young man in my mid-30s who was molested twice at the age of 10 by my cousins. Since then, my life has been a struggle with mixed feelings. However, over the years, I have tried my very best to be totally honest in my day-to-day activities.

When I was 14 years old, I got baptised and started fearing God, but not long after, I realised that I have developed a very sensitive and high sex drive. I started exploring as teens would do, and I noticed that rare things were going on in my mind, mostly when I am around my male companions. At the time, I thought it was the norm for me to feel this way because I was developing into manhood, so I kept it really confidential.

When I was 16 years old, my mother learnt about my situation from a friend who was very concerned about my behaviour around males. She spoke to me about it, but she didn't follow up and we are still living in the same house. We live like normal mother and son.

My real challenge was when the fellowship at my church found out. The pastor preached about it that Sunday. He then called a meeting afterwards, but it didn't go down well, so I walked. One of my pastor's friends taped my voice by setting up a guy to ask me questions while he was acting as a gay.

I was attacked and beaten up badly in the community. I become a victim to many but I didn't move. I stayed in my community and underwent many years of victimisation. When I turned 20, I thought that getting married would have helped, but I also thought that the marriage wouldn't work. It would just be a cover-up.

hate church

I was now totally out of the Fellowship with my church, and even developed hate for the church. I started dating girls and having sex more and more just to eliminate my thoughts from guys. I was still feeling hopeless, empty and I couldn't find any peace of mind, even in the world that I became a part of. I still stood my ground and I stayed strong and brave and faced the situation head on, which as a result helped me to be motivated today.

I am not blaming the pastors and brethren who tried to kill me, or my cousins who started me out or even the society which never sought to find the answers. Since that time, I have never given up hope in myself because I have never accepted being a homosexual or bisexual as a lifestyle. Every day my wish is that I will overcome this behaviour.

Three years ago I was introduced to the Jamaica Aids Support organisation while they were celebrating HIV week. I was introduced to a panel of counsellors which from that time have continued to help me in a very positive way. I am proud to say that I am doing much better and I am serving God again.

I would like to thank the Jamaica Aids Support and the Ministry of Health and also you, pastor.

C.A.R., Kingston

Pastor's answer:

Dear C.A.R.,

You have explained yourself well. You have confirmed what so many practising homosexuals have said, and that is, they were not born homosexual, it was introduced to them by others who were much older than they were. Many practising male homosexuals claim that they were sexually abused by older men which have resulted in them becoming homosexuals. Lesbians make the same claim.

I regret hearing that your church did not show you much love and compassion. However, I am happy that you have been able to receive help from the Jamaica Aids Support. And I am also pleased to hear that you are endeavouring to serve the Lord. I hope that you will find fellowship in a church that recognises that all people are sinners. And as sinners, they should not condemn anyone.

Pastor

ENDS

I was of the opinion the goodly pastor/psychologist would have recommended some further interventions mainly counseling to deal with the emotional scars from the way too early initiation, it is true that many persons are exposed to sex via adult inappropriate contact although his previous recommendations have a reparative therapeutically tinge to them, some more work maybe needed to determine his true sexual orientation, it is however instructive that the writer never intimated he was not gay anymore and surprisingly pastor responds at the end that all are sinners and as sinners they should not condemn anyone. Is he on the road to a more embracing philosophy?This one is a little hard to make out though as there are so many other dimensions to this case that may not have been presented.

Why would the letter writer name the JASL in this piece though, is this a concocted letter to see how the Pastor responds? I hope there is some truth in all of this as these days a kind of unethical smoke screen seems to be pervading our land and advocacy work where persons write under pseudonyms and present sometimes falsified or embellished scenarios to see how perceived homophobic persons respond. We cannot continue to or at any time operate under a false pretext to gain recognition or rights, we must bring things out in the open honestly on a sound ethical footing.

Peace and tolerance

H

"Tell Me Pastor" cautious on Down Low complaint ...

As we continue to track some of the disucssions relating to same gender loving issues today's Star has another letter that seems edited to reflect a stance on a down low husband who after getting married did not want sexual contact with his wife. "He never displayed any signs of homosexuality" was quoted in the letter suggesting profiling of sorts as if same gender loving men are to exude some trait that makes them gay or this letter writer is naive as they come or are we the readers being taken for a ride? as I have concluded in some instances that these letters seem will fabricated at best or edited to create a spin.

Certainly many possibilities lie here but as before we have seen his biphobic stance as well so if the man was indeed bisexual we may never know as he would have probably not tolerated a letter of that type of a man attracted to both sexes and marrying one of the genders, for a psychologist I am amazed at his stance on homosexuality in general however and how quickly he calls on biblical references to abominations to substantiate his arguments while stressing that it is a sin and is wrong when he must have been tutored in recognising the orientation issues and that of sexual identity. That swapping of ideology where convenient is disturbing to me and to many of you my readers who have expressed such in previous rants on the man and his positions taken in letters.

Have a read of the latest piece and see the short but cautious response from Psychologist/Pastor Aaron Dumas.

Deceived by my gay husband

LETTER

Dear Pastor,

I am writing you to express the shame and hurt that I am feeling right now. I met this man a few years ago in Jamaica and fell in love with him. We both shared mutual feelings at that time and we decided to get married. We had a very small wedding in front of a few family members. He was very loving and attentive towards me before getting married, but once we said "I do", everything went downhill after that.



Immediately after we got married he seemed to be displaying some awkward behaviour for a newly-wed. He wouldn't wear his ring and would shy away when I would attempt to have intercourse. I found his behaviour to be odd, but I thought he just had a bad experience with a girl from his past. I attempted to question him, but he would get aggressive and angry towards me. His behaviour started to get more and more bizarre to the point where we were arguing constantly. Even through the arguments I still stood beside him and did my job as his wife. He was very abusive emotionally towards me.



About one year later, I ended up finding out that he is a homosexual and desired not to be with me. He never displayed any signs of homosexuality. He was on the 'down low'. I was very hurt and saddened by my findings. I am still having a hard time dealing with the fact of how I dedicated my time, energy and money on this man and he deceitfully used me. I am also very much embarrassed as I never thought in a million years this would have happened to me.



I am trying to deal with this emotionally even up to this day. How can I get through this pain? Please help me.



Deceived By Husband

RESPONSE

Dear Deceived,



You have not stated whether you are still living with this man. If you are still living together, you need to get out because by continuing to live with him you are subjecting yourself to more abuse and humiliation.



Second, you need to find a psychologist and have sessions so as to learn how to deal with the past, present and future. It is indeed unfortunate that you made the wrong choice, but please forgive yourself for the mistake you have made. Be assured of my prayers and please let me hear from you again.



Pastor

ENDS

Two cents continued:

Will this argument between the LGBT lobby and the sections of the evangelical community ever end anytime soon as recent publications and responses to the ad campaign though heavily critiqued by myself and others and a barely luke warm response from the community itself ever end? Check out this article from the Jamaica Observer on the pastoral responses to the video JFLAG launched,

Gay TV advert angers clerics

Some quotes include:

".................associate pastor of the Tower Hill Missionary Church in Kingston, Mark Dawes, suggested that the church needed to be more vocal in denouncing the homosexual lifestyle.



“I am prepared to be loving and compassionate to all persons, irrespective of their class or creed or persuasion, but that love and compassion to all and sundry will not stop me from speaking the truth in love as I see the truth,” said Dawes, a former journalist.



“As innocuous and as innocent as that public service announcement might appear, it is part of a wider plan by militant homosexuals to gradually desensitise Jamaicans to homosexuality, so that homosexual behaviour and practice can become mainstream in Jamaica,” asserted the pastor.



Rev Monsignor Kenneth Richards, rector at Holy Trinity Cathedral in Kingston, was just as sceptical of the message of the PSA, pointing out that the Catholic church did not embrace homosexual unions since they were not in keeping with religious principles.



“I don’t think we should tolerate it, we should object to it. I don’t think it should be broadcast,” said the priest when asked his views on the PSA."



Peace and tolerance



H

"Tell Me Pastor" inconsistencies

Find it, retrieve it and call it … as we look at discusions in the public domain about matters relating to GLBTQI issues. Here the supposed female letter writer says she basically found out her husband is same sex attracted as well. On December 6th however a similar letter appeared in the Star as well about a woman who found out her man is supposedly having same sex relations while with her, coincidence or just the continued sensationalism from the Jamaica Star so as to sell papers?

The December 6th piece is available here from GLBTQ Jamaica Wordpress edition entitled "Tell Me Pastor" on bisexuality. Although we have gotten used to the pattern I think it is important to continue to track and point out these infractions coupled with the glaring inconsistencies at times as there are some folks who read Pastor Dumas's columns, blogs and follow his radio show ardently.

Pastor Dumas the regular radio talk show host, Psychologist and Star News Tell Me Pastor columnist for once asks some sensible questions in the beginning of his response and also suggests the letter writer must decide whether she wants to continue the relationship. Ironically the December 6th letter which was similar in nature and his subsequent response Pastor was noticeably terse with his response and referred as usual to the abomination clauses of the Bible to justify his opinion that homosexuality is wrong, I guess his justification maybe that the December 6th letter writer was not in a marriage and was more a common law union without children while this writer has been married and has three children for him and her late knowledge of his same sex attractions.

Why the two different responses, why throw the good book at one and then a more clinical and politically correct suggestions for counseling for the other?

Here is todays entry and his response, please view both pieces and compare the two, don't just take my word for it.

Peace and tolerance

H

Letter writer:

Dear Pastor,

I have heard stories about women becoming lesbians, but how would you counsel a wife who has found out her husband was homosexual - after she had three children for him?

A.G.,

Pastor's response:

Dear A.G.,

In counselling, there is a direct and indirect approach to problems. There are times when the counsellor should say, "This is what you ought to do." But there are times when the counsellor should allow the 'counselee' to arrive at his or her decision. But the counsellor should give guidance.

If you and your husband have had three children together and you have recently found out he is a homosexual, he has been living a lie and perhaps putting your health at risk. Evidently, he has a preference. What is his preference? Is it you as his wife or his male partner(s)?

Both of you should go to see a psychologist after you have discussed the matter between yourselves. You have to decide whether you are willing to tolerate this man and to share him with another man. How will you relate to your husband for the rest of your life? Should you have him as a lover or a friend or just the father of your children? Is divorce a good alternative? Can your life ever be normal again?

If the children are young and do not understand what is happening between both of you, can both of you live in the same house and don't cohabit? Would he be allowed to bring his male partner in the house? If you believe you should divorce this man, can you pay your own bills? Your life will never be the same. Because this man has disrespected you, the only way you can keep your sanity is to pray for him every day. But even if you were to forgive him, it does not mean you would have to remain with him as his wife. You will need all the professional help you can get.

I wish you well, and you have my prayers.

Pastor

Another "Tell Me Pastor" Letter, (real or not?)

here is another letter in today's weekend Star allegedly from a gay man, I still think these letters are "created" for the column

Dear Pastor,

I am a regular reader of your column. I am a mature Jamaican male and a true believer in God. I have a strong faith. I pray to the Lord all the time. Many times I proved that God has blessed me with many things in my life. I do go to church at times but because I am gay and I know the black churches are against anyone who is gay, I keep this feeling to myself. There is no one out there in the black church communities who one can trust to sit down and talk about things. It would become a scandal and fingers would be pointing at me. From day to day I go along keeping it all bottled inside. I have no one to share it with.

I would like for my letter to be published so if there is anyone who is like me, whether church brother or any other brother in a similar situation, I would like if they could get in touch with me and talk about our situation. This would very much help. I know there are gay bars and clubs around many towns here in England, but I am not interested in those types of places. I don't feel at ease in those places. Going to church doesn't make me comfortable either because I know they would not accept me if they know I am gay.

Aren't we all humans created by God? God does not condemn us so why should men? Not everyone who goes to church is righteous or living the life they should.

Thank you, Sir.

L.S., London, England.

Pastor responds:
Dear L. S.,

If you are asking me to help you find a gay partner, you have written to the wrong person. I can tell you right away, your request is denied. The only thing I can do for you is to assure you I will be praying for you and will never condemn you. I can also tell you I do not support your lifestyle, but no one should condemn you and let you feel uncomfortable wherever you choose to go, live or work.

Concerning the black churches, I have observed that no one in these churches have attacked you. It is because you are scared as being identified why you do not feel comfortable among them. Perhaps these churches have been teaching that homosexuality is wrong and is not accepted among them. So you do not wish to be known as a homosexual.

Any minister who would abuse and condemn any sinner is overstepping his boundaries. It is because of fear why you have not gone to see a professional to discuss your situation.

I suggest you continue going to church and pray and ask God to give you the courage to make an appointment to see someone in whom you believe you can confide and discuss your situation without fear.

You should probably consider seeing a Christian psychologist or family counsellor.

Pastor